Communication is key to any relationship. Unfortunately, far too many couples don’t communicate properly.
One of the biggest issues hindering communication is not being heard in your relationship. It’s one thing for your partner to listen to you. But are they really hearing and processing what you’re saying?
Remember that a relationship is about two people with needs that need to be met. When one person expresses their needs but the other doesn’t hear them, this crucial element is neglected.
So if your lines of communication are starting to sound more like “white noise,” it may be time to rethink how you communicate.
How Do You Know If Your Voice Isn’t Being Heard?
Of course, every relationship is different, and so are communication styles. But some signs indicate your partner isn’t hearing what you have to say.
Some of the most common signs include:
Selective memory – They might remember things on their calendar, friends’ birthdays, etc., but they don’t remember something important you told them the night before.
Distractions – Does your partner start to do other things when you want to talk to them? Whether it’s chores around the house or something they suddenly “remembered” they needed to do, this is a sign you’re not being heard.
Lashing out – If your partner lashes out aggressively when you bring up a topic important to you, they may be trying to get you to back off so you don’t bring it up again.
Arguing – Some partners will also drag out an argument for long periods of time until you “give up” or get tired of talking about the subject. Again, they do this to make sure you don’t bring it up again.
If your voice isn’t being heard in a relationship, it’s not only harmful to the relationship itself, but it can also harm your self-esteem and emotional well-being.
How Do You Have Your Voice Be Heard?
Some partners just will not listen. They might continue their habits no matter what you do, drowning you out and silencing your voice in the relationship. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut ties with that person.
But if the relationship can be fixed and you believe your partner can change, there are things you can do to communicate with them effectively.
One of the best things you can do is share your observation when you feel they are not listening, and ask what is going on. Be mindful not to use the word “why.” Often, it puts people on guard and can feel accusatory. Approach it with observation and curiosity. For example, you might say to your partner, “I notice that when I express my thoughts and feelings outwardly, you tend to pick up your phone or begin organizing the papers on the counter. This often leaves me feeling ignored and confused. I am curious as to what is happening for you in those moments?”
Maybe they don’t fully realize they’re ignoring or belittling what you have to say. They might be dealing with problems of their own that make it hard to fully listen to your concerns. Approaching with curiosity invites dialogue, whereas asking why often shuts it down.
Be genuine with your curiosity and questions. If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask. People generally can sense the difference between genuine and contrived curiosity.
Sometimes, that is all it takes for a relationship dynamic to change.
As silly as it may sound, another great option is to give your partner a presentation. You don’t need to draw up a PowerPoint slideshow. But you can explain to them how you’re feeling and how their lack of listening affects your relationship. This can lead to more productive communication, especially if you’re open to hearing their feelings in return.
A good way to get them started paying attention is to show how they will benefit from hearing your voice. Also, let them know how much they would be helping you simply by listening. Do not assume they know how to listen to you properly. Give examples of gestures or behaviors that show they are listening. Sometimes, pointing out what is obvious is exactly what people need to make a change.
Following Through
Usually, it’s not fair to give your partner an ultimatum. But if you’ve talked to them about your concerns more than once and nothing has changed, it’s okay to take action. Show them what will happen if they don’t start listening. Maybe stop doing household chores or going out to eat with them. If it feels like a relationship deal-breaker, make them aware of this.
Asserting yourself is not always easy to put into practice, but it can be very effective.
Struggling to Be Heard in Your Relationship? Let’s Change That
If your partner struggles to hear you, or you don’t know how to make your voice heard, you don’t have to deal with it alone. If you're worried about the state of your relationship, schedule a free consultation or visit my Relationship Therapy page to learn more. By working on communication skills together, we can make your relationship stronger and healthier than ever.
