Most of us don’t think of anger as a positive thing in a relationship. Often, anger fuels contentious arguments that can hurt your connection.
But one reason anger has gotten such a bad reputation is that many people don’t express it in effective, productive ways. No matter how great your relationship might be, you’re going to get angry sometimes. So will your partner. Even if that anger isn’t initially directed at either one of you, you might take it out on each other.
So how can you express anger in a positive way to bring you closer to your partner?
Cool Off Before You Start Talking
When you’re in the heat of the moment, anger can take over the way you express yourself to your partner. That’s usually what leads to damaging arguments. To express your anger effectively, make sure your emotions are in control.
Take a few minutes (or even a few hours) to cool off and calm down before talking to your partner. You might still be upset, but it’s likely you won’t be nearly as fired up as you were before.
Being calmer gives you the chance to express how you really feel. You can do it productively, without attacking your partner.
If you are struggling to cool down, go into another room by yourself, shut the door, and scream into a pillow. If you need to move your body, lie on your bed, tense your muscles, and shake. Let the energy flow through you and out to help your system. You may feel the need to hit something. Find a soft pillow, bed mattress, or couch cushions and hit them with an open hand. Allow the energy of the feeling to flow through and out of you, which will allow your system to reset. Stored anger can be taking a toll on your physical, mental, and emotional state.
Releasing anger can be scary and might trigger old feelings in some people. I recommend talking with your partner and/or household members, when you are not angry, about the possibility of releasing your anger in another room. Make sure you all agree with this form of expression.
Consider: What Are You Really Feeling?
Anger often masks a different underlying emotion, which is why it is considered a secondary emotion. Core emotions, which are masked as anger, include: Loneliness, Fear, Hurt, Sadness
Think about what you’re feeling that's making you angry. Are you scared about something in your relationship? Did your partner hurt you in some way? Did your partner trigger a feeling that reminds you of another person or event from your past?
By getting to the root of the issue, you can better recognize what is making you so upset. This will make it easier to effectively communicate with your partner. That also makes it easier to find a resolution without an explosive argument.
Think About What You Want to Say
Communication is hugely important in any relationship. But when you’re angry, choosing your words wisely matters even more.
It’s easy to let your emotions get the best of you when you’re upset. You may say something you later regret. You might even verbally attack your partner with things you don’t mean.
Unfortunately, doing this only hurts your partner, you, and your relationship. Instead of attacking your partner, use “I” statements to clarify how you feel and why you’re angry.
It’s okay to take some time to organize your thoughts. Think about what you want to say before you say it. Doing so can help you feel more relaxed. It’s also more likely you’ll reach some kind of resolution or feel better about the outcome of the conversation.
Practice Patience
Once you’ve had time to think about what you want to say and cool off a bit, give your partner time to process everything. When you tell them how you feel, don’t expect an immediate response. If you do, you might get an equally emotionally charged response.
Instead, respect them enough to give them some alone time. They’ll appreciate it, and it will make for a much more pleasant conversation when you’re both ready to talk.
It isn’t easy to think of anger as part of productive, effective communication. But when you express it correctly, it can bring you closer together as a couple.
Struggling with Anger in Your Relationship? Let’s Work Through It Together
If anger is getting in the way of connection or communication, support is just a step away. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation or contact me to learn how Relationship Counseling can help you express your emotions in healthier, more effective ways. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
